Monday, November 16, 2009

Random Thoughts From the Ghetto-Volume 13

I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and I begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...

These random thoughts are so advanced, they're simple.

-It was nice to see Extreme Make Over: Home Edition fix up someone's house in Buffalo. In fact, it was so successful, CBS is planning a new soap opera to be based here in the city. It's going to be called The Young and the Jobless.

-You can always tell when a guy is rich if you see him wearing a scarf indoors when it is above 32 degrees outside. He's either rich or he wants you to think he's rich.

-You can really tell a great deal about someone by the way they shake your hand. I try not to shake hands too much because it's an obvious way to transmit germs. As a failed politician, I used to shake many hands. The two worst types of handshakers are the ones that won't let go (they just keep shaking well past an acceptable time) and the ones that squeeze your hand so tight you have to stop at the ER on the way home. If someone does one of these two things, something's usually not clicking right upstairs.

-One of the great mysteries of television is what ever happened to Ritchie's older brother Chuck on Happy Days? In the first season, he was seen on a few episodes (always dribbling a basketball). Then, he was never heard from or spoken about again. In fact, Mr. Cunningham would talk to Ritchie and start the conversation by saying, "Now Ritchie. You're my oldest son and I love you very much." No he's not! Chuck is your oldest son Mr. C. Maybe Chuck went off to Vietnam and was killed like Eddie Haskell and Jeremy Mathers (from Leave it to Beaver). These were both popular urban legends during the 1970s. Eddie (or the guy who played him) did not die in Vietnam and was never a porn actor (another popular legend). He was actually an Arizona State Trooper for several years.

-Can you imagine being pulled over by Eddie Haskell? How was that guy ever able to do his job with a straight face? He played one of the greatest characters ever on television. "That's a lovely car you're driving today and a nice outfit you're wearing. How are Wallace and Theodore? Can I see your license and registration please?"

-One thing I can't stand is if I go out to eat with some guy friends and they send over a male waiter. You got three girls working and one guy. Here comes a table of four guys. Let's send the one male over there. They won't mind. We don't care if it's a male bartender but we don't want no guy waiting on us.

-I meet the definition of being left handed because I write with my left hand. However, I throw with my right. I bat (baseball) right handed. I hold a hockey stick left handed. I don't golf. But if I did, I would have to drive right handed and putt left handed. I've never met anyone else that does this. When I eat, I alternate and hold the fork with both my right and left hands equally well (or some would say equally poorly). The last two things are just bizarre. Needless to say, I am fascinated by the part of the brain that controls this.

-You want to know why they don't let fans on the field after sporting events anymore? Check out this clip of Chris Chambliss trying to round the bases in Yankee Stadium after hitting a home run to win the American League pennant in the bottom of the 9th inning in 1976:

-Thank you to all my faithfull readers. I promised I'd give a shout out to my good friend Michelle Zangerle, a faithfull reader of my crazy rants and one of my only readers from Tonawanda. Here is a song I used to like. It's an oldie. Well, it's an oldie where I come from. Sorry about some of the crazy lyrics. Go forth and sin no more.

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