Friday, November 5, 2010

Random thoughts from the ghetto-Volume 36


I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...

-Every time I'm in a supermarket or department store in a nice shirt, people come up to me and ask me where various products are located. The other day I was at Target and some woman came up to me and asked me where the pillows were. I just told her they were in aisle 12 and left as quickly as possible.

-These school fundraisers are getting out of hand. I don't mind paying $3.00 for some Girl Scout cookies. Some of the schools are selling popcorn and other things for like $14.00 a box! "Sure, I'll buy the popcorn from you. I just have to stop by the bank and take out a loan first." Now, they even make the kids write handwritten notes to several of their relatives (which the school mails), asking you to buy something for their school. I got a crazy idea. How about using the time you have to teach the kids basic math and how to read and write?

-I keep hearing the entitled members of South Buffalo's privileged class are going to get their revenge on me. When is this monumental event going to occur? I'm really excited about this but I see no evidence of it happening any time soon.

-Building off the recent success of Jimmie McMillan and his Rent is Too Damn High! Party, the South Buffalo rooster reports Congressman Brian Higgins is thinking about starting a similar group: the My Pants Are Too Damn High! Party.

-Who knew bedbugs would be making a comeback? I'm thinking about putting colored water in a bottle and opening up a stand at the mall. It'll be like the Emperor's New Clothes. I'll tell the public, "If you put this in your wash, it will prevent your sheets from getting bedbugs." You don't think the general public is dumb enough to buy it? In South Buffalo, they just elected a borderline impaired man as their new State Senator.

-I was reading about the Green River Killer, Gary Ridgeway, the other night. He's the wacko who admitted killing dozens of women during the 1980s in the Seattle, Washington area. In hindsight, his neighbor found it kind of strange that he had weekly yard sales and sold a lot of women's clothes and jewelry. This was a guy who was questioned twice about the case, before he was finally arrested. Very perceptive on the part of the authorities. One of your main suspects is selling clothes and jewelry of the disappearing women every weekend and they couldn't put two and two together?

-Talk about a bad judge of character. How would you like to be the minister who picked the BTK killer (Dennis Rader) from Wichita, Kansas to be the President of his church? Worse, how would you like to be the guy who got passed over for him? "Well, we think you have many fine qualities. However, we think the homicidal maniac down the street is simply a better fit."

-I was at La Nova Pizza the other day. I saw a Pac Man arcade game and I was feeling nostalgic. I am pretty good at figuring out patterns and could play Pac Man for long stretches on one quarter during the 1980s. I quit video games cold turkey, the day they started charging 50 cents a game for most games. I was feeling so nostalgic, I decided to play (even if it meant putting in the extra quarter). Imagine my surprise when I got closer to the game and saw $1.00 written on the front of it.

I must have looked like I had just seen a ghost (or four of them). La Nova Pizza: $1.00 to play Pac Man? Are you serious? Needless to say, I bolted out of there without playing. Go forth and sin no more and remember to ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to watch the Bills or Sabres.


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