Monday, September 21, 2009

Random Thoughts From the Ghetto-Volume 6

I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and I begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...

-I like when there is an exciting football game on TV and the camera zooms in on a fan that is passed out drunk. Could you imagine what coworkers are saying to that guy on Tuesday? Because you know he isn't showing up to work on Monday.

-By the way, if you're watching a football game with friends, they really don't care who is on your fantasy team or how the players are doing that you didn't put in your starting lineup this week. Please just shut the hell up and watch the game.

-I like those billboards that show a picture with a brief inspiring message underneath it. For example, the one by the 190 N. entrance ramp on Seneca St./Bailey Ave. (right near the S. Buffalo adult movie district) which shows the father pushing his disabled son in a makeshift wheelchair at various marathons throughout the year. This one reads Devotion:Pass it on.

-This week's Avis We Try Harder Award has to go to the Mickey Kearns volunteer who walked past the Kearns sign on my lawn, the Kearns bumper sticker on my car, and the 15 Kearns signs next to my side door on Monday to remind me to get out and vote for Kearns on Tuesday. At least somebody's hustling. Awareness:Pass it on.

-I rarely pick up my phone but I try to call everyone back with one notable exception. If someone calls and says, "I need a favor from you" but doesn't say what the favor is, I wait at least 72 hours before calling them back. I need to know the specifics behind the favor so I can think of a decent lie to get out of it if it is an unreasonable request. Chances are, if they don't want to tell you what it is, they probably figure it is going to be hard to find someone to accommodate them and they've pegged you as their sucker.

-A friend of mine told me he paid $100 for a church organist to play at a 45 minute funeral. It makes me wonder why I wasted all that time kicking around a soccer ball when I was a kid. Tell your kids to start taking music lessons.

-It's pretty cool how current events can sometimes affect the English language. Remember in the 1980s and 90s when all of the postal carriers were going to the post offices where they worked and opening fire on their supervisors? Everyone started associating violent behavior with postal workers and the phrase "going postal" was born. Kids today have all heard this phrase. They all know it means to go crazy. However, very few of them know the circumstances behind it's origin because fortunately, these events haven't been occurring with as much frequency within the postal community lately. Score one for the English language and the ongoing anger management efforts of the US Postal Service.

-Queen City Fairy Tale- Once upon a time, I was driving back from Sunset Bay Beach Club. I had too much to drink and my taillight was broken. Just as I was texting someone, a Hamburg police officer pulled me over and told me I had been speeding. He confiscated my handicapped parking tag and told me my registration and insurance had lapsed. I told him my team had just won the WNY over 30 league soccer championship and I was unaccustomed to having to walk. He was going to arrest me until I demanded that he take me straight to the mayor's office. "Don't you know who I am?" I asked. He said, "I don't care who you are, you're under arrest." At that point, my cousin spoke up and said, "Do you realize you are about to arrest the face of Buffalo?" The police officer finally realized who I was. He said he had heard stories about my blogging exploits but wasn't sure if I actually existed or was just an urban legend. He apologized for causing such an inconvenience and asked if he could get my autograph and take a picture of us together for his kids. I told him to make it quick because I didn't have all freaking day. He then gave us a police escort back into the city.
Then I woke up and realized I had to go to school and read The Cat in the Hat to a bunch of 1st graders in less than an hour. And they all lived happily ever after. (This story was inspired by true events. Some names and dates have been changed to protect the entitled.) Go forth and sin no more.

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