Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Evolution of the South Bflo. Derelict


The first step in becoming a South Buffalo derelict is to be born into the right family. However, that's not always possible. Don't despair. If you're willing to prostitute yourself and your family, you too, can achieve this high level of mediocrity.


-It all starts with youth. When your kids are young, make sure you get them into the right social networking groups. Irish Dancing and ice hockey are pretty reliable. South Buffalo Baseball is loaded with entrenched people, too. It's not important what your kids learns from these activities. Just make sure you are noticed at the rink or walking behind your dancing kids at the parade. Youth soccer is supposed to be an elitist sport but they tend to let less prestigious families in by keeping the price down in South Bflo for some reason(???). Hopefully, someday this will change. Whatever you do, don't sign your kids up for football. None of these parents are municipal workers and you could be wasting valuable networking time in the Fall.


-Next comes adolescence. It's very important that you make the right phone calls or political contributions to get your child a mayor's summer youth job. They will be overpayed and underworked, an important skill that will help them in later years. They also will get to become lifelong friends and network with the children of other likeminded derelicts. It is here that they will learn they are better than everyone else, despite having no known talents. In the winter, do what you can to get your kid a job as a rink attendant or a lifeguard at the Cazenovia pool. Now, they will probably spend 3/4 of their checks drinking at the Caz golf course. Please don't be alarmed. I don't know where they tend to pick up this bad habit. I can't imagine it having anything to do with their parents. I know that every picture you has a beer bottle within six inches of your arms, but this is just a coincidence.


-The college years present several opportunities for the South Buffalo political hack. You can make the "phone call" to that uncle of yours and become an usher at the HSBC arena. Working down at HEAP (like Kevin Kelley's son) is always an option as is the Water/Sewer Authorities. So what, if all your friend's kids have to get real part time jobs at Wegmans or the mall? You are better than them. You've already put a price on your integrity. Why stop now?

-If you quit school(odds are you will), you can become a sanitation worker (like one of the Finnegans, if you're a guy) or a police dispatcher or a teacher's aide (if you're a female). You'll make more money than people like me, that finished school and choose not to prostitute themselves. See, it does pay to think so little of yourself after all.

-Next, take those all important civil service tests. If you do extremely well, it won't matter what your last name is (unless they don't like you and cross you off the list).But chances are, you will be drinking at Doc Sullivans until 4AM the night before the test, so this could adversely affect your performance. Well, it really doesn't matter too much how well you do, as you will be chosen by virtue of your last name and by how much the incumbents think they have your family in their pockets. After you take the test, don't forget to call your uncle or the career politician you sell out to every two-four years. That's what they're there for, silly. After they hand you the job, you can tell everyone that you got it on your own. Don't worry. Nobody will believe you, but you can still tell people that if you like.

-Have a great career. Maybe you'll make the South Buffalo Hall of Fame and become a government double dipper. You can start talking about all the pensions you'll be collecting after age 40. Whatever you do, don't take any risks. Don't go to school or start a business. Play it safe and just sell yourself to the highest, I mean lowest bidder. Just keep getting by with a little help from your friends...

20 comments:

  1. I signed up for my first civil service exam last week. Expect my phone call in two weeks.

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  2. hahaha. my first suggestion would be to change your last name to Smith or Jones due to the nature of this blog.

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  3. apblake... Civil service jobs are great jobs and always will be, do not let Uncle (Mike) change your mind, make your phone calls, call the people you know, because that is how it works and that is it will always be. Oh but you have to score high, one thing Uncle Idiot does not talk about is that you have to obtain a high score, its not like a 75 can get hired right away.

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  4. "one thing Uncle Idiot does not talk about is that you have to obtain a high score, its not like a 75 can get hired right away".

    that is it will be?
    a 75 can get hired right away?

    Nice ability to write. Have you ever heard of hooked on phonics? It's too bad you are too much of a coward to sign your name so everyone would know who I was making fun of. And you say I'm the dumb one? Go back to sleep.

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  7. mike your the idiot, i did mean to say "its not like a 75 can get hired right away" because a 75 on a civil service test can not get hired right away. Civil service law makes you start at the top which would a score of 100 and then move down from there. So keep your hooked on phonics to yourself...

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  8. I'm the idiot? you say "a 75 on a civil service test can not get hired right away."

    How does a number get hired in the first place? Also, the way you meant it, your is spelled you're as in you are a brilliant intellectual. Maybe it's a good idea you don't post your name. I don't think I would if I were you.

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  9. Mike I would really like to say you are dog sh-- but that would really be doing an injustice to sh-- that comes from dogs.

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  10. I must have really hit a nerve with whatever I wrote. The entitled keep saying I'm angry but that's news to me. Not only am I laughing all the time, but I also get paid by Google to make fun of them on a daily basis.

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  11. bigbrotheriswatchingFebruary 12, 2010 at 9:31 PM

    Mike, got my civil service job not because of anyone I know ,but because I purchased houndreds of dollars worth of books and studied for hours every day. I ran around south Buffalo like Forest Gump. Did not see you at the exam so what do you have to complain about. College degrees are a 20 th century fad.

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  12. I respect that. I'm not saying you didn't deserve to get your job.I believe you studied and deserved to do well. I took a test with about 50 people once for Erie County youth program moniter. I scored #1 on the test and was not called. With my experience, wouldn't you be upset, too? I agree. College is a joke. But, for me to be a teacher, I had to go to school.

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  13. Great submission Mike: gutsy and with quite an element of truth.

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  14. why take a shot at Kevin Kelley? he seems like a decent joe.

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  15. he is a nice guy but he doesn't respect me. he went from the Common Council staff to chief of the Erie County Legislature to a similar position with the state.
    this blog will reach thousands of people eventually. the fact of the matter is he got his son a job at HEAP by making a phone call. i report every patronage job i see. i want people to know why people like Kevin Kelley tell them to vote for people like Byron Brown over one of their own neighbors. and now he's going to tell you to vote for Tim Kennedy, despite the fact that Kennedy is borderline disabled. it's not because they admire their leadership. it's because they help them and their family members get patronage jobs. pure and simple.

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  16. thank you KileenMarie.i really wish i could write about more positive things. it's too bad really. we live in a great community and don't need these political people for it to remain great.

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  17. It's not your family that people don't like, it's you. If you are such a great teacher, why can't you get a job in one of the many charter schools in this area or one of the suburban districts? Sure, buffalo has it's share of misfit teachers, but did you ever think it's possible you may be one of them too? If you are as great as you claim, there has to be a reason as to why you aren't getting hired. And please don't brag about volunteering - last time I checked anyone can volunteer; volunteering doesn't make you a good teacher.

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  18. I work five days a week as a teacher at a Charter school, Einstein.I also tutor five days a week after school. Also, phys ed jobs are very scarce these days and I have no desire to teach suburban kids. Who are you to tell me where to apply? I'd rather work at a factory than teach suburban kids. I gave up considerable amounts of money to coach city kids instead of suburban kids. There is a very good reason why I haven't been hired in Buffalo. It's because I'm not Jim Comerford's daughter, Hopper's niece, Brian Higgin's nephew, or Jim Hillery's grandson.

    I got no problem with that. I'll just sit back and enjoy my new part time profession as a satirical writer. Why would I brag about being a volunteer? If you're associated with any of the people I mentioned, you've never volunteered a day in your life for anything, except maybe one of Brian Higgin's fundraisers. Again, the question remains:Why are you so afraid to sign your name?

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  19. Mike, he will not sign his name because when he needs your vote in the future he will act like you are his best friend.

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  20. exactly. i'm surprised these guys are so defensive. they're resorting to slander and threats of violence. i guess that means they've given up on trying to be clever.

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