The Evolution of the South Bflo. Derelict

The first step in becoming a South Buffalo derelict is to be born into the right family. However, that's not always possible. Don't despair. If you're willing to prostitute yourself and your family, you too, can achieve this high level of mediocrity.

-It all starts with youth. When your kids are young, make sure you get them into the right social networking groups. Irish Dancing and ice hockey are pretty reliable. South Buffalo Baseball is loaded with entrenched people, too. It's not important what your kids learn from these activities. Just make sure you are noticed at the rink or walking behind your dancing kids at the parade. Youth soccer is supposed to be an elitist sport but they tend to let less prestigious families in by keeping the price down in South Bflo for some reason(???). Hopefully, someday this will change. Whatever you do, don't sign your kids up for football. None of these parents are municipal workers and you could be wasting valuable networking time in the Fall.

-Next comes adolescence. It's very important that you make the right phone calls or political contributions to get your child a mayor's summer youth job. They will be overpayed and underworked, an important skill that will help them in later years. They also will get to become lifelong friends and network with the children of other likeminded derelicts. It is here that they will learn they are better than everyone else, despite having no known talents. In the winter, do what you can to get your kid a job as a rink attendant or a lifeguard at the Cazenovia pool. Now, they will probably spend 3/4 of their checks drinking at the Caz golf course. Please don't be alarmed. I don't know where they tend to pick up this bad habit. I can't imagine it having anything to do with their parents. I know that every picture you has a beer bottle within six inches of your arms, but this is just a coincidence.

-The college years present several opportunities for the South Buffalo political hack. You can make the "phone call" to that uncle of yours and become an usher at the HSBC arena. Working down at HEAP is always an option as is the Water/Sewer Authorities. So what, if all of your friends' kids have to get real part time jobs at Wegmans or the mall? You are better than them. You've already put a price on your integrity. Why stop now?

-If you quit school(odds are you will), you can become a sanitation worker (like one of the Finnegans, if you're a guy) or a police dispatcher or a teacher's aide (if you're a female). You'll make more money than people like me, that finished school and choose not to prostitute themselves. See, it does pay to think so little of yourself after all.

-Next, take those all important civil service tests. If you do extremely well, it won't matter what your last name is (unless they don't like you and cross you off the list).But chances are, you will be drinking at Doc Sullivans until 4AM the night before the test, so this could adversely affect your performance. Well, it really doesn't matter too much how well you do, as you will be chosen by virtue of your last name and by how much the incumbents think they have your family in their pockets. After you take the test, don't forget to call your uncle or the career politician you sell out to every two-four years. That's what they're there for, silly. After they hand you the job, you can tell everyone that you got it on your own. Don't worry. Nobody will believe you, but you can still tell people that if you like.

-Have a great career. Maybe you'll make the South Buffalo Hall of Fame and become a government double dipper. You can start talking about all the pensions you'll be collecting after age 40. Whatever you do, don't take any risks. Don't go to school or start a business. Play it safe and just sell yourself to the highest, I mean lowest bidder. Just keep getting by with a little help from your friends...