I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz. beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
-Every TV show during the 1970s/80's had an episode where a professional photographer began taking pictures while the lens was still on.
-So much for rivalries in the NFL. 9,000 tickets still remain for the Bills/Dolphins game on 11/15. Thank you free agency. -Since banks began bolting their pens down, I wonder how many millions of them have been saved. -If you order a pizza and they ask for a name to go along with the order, and your name is Ezekiel, do you give them your actual name or just say, "Larry"? -I'm beginning to think I might be out of touch with the latest fashion trends. I went out the other night wearing a bright yellow "Members Only" jacket and I think people were giving me strange looks.
-By the way, what club were they members of? -Sometimes a great name can make a product marketable. I think that is the case with the muscle relieving Biofreeze. It might not even work to relieve pain, but the name sounds so official and scientific, people with spend $12 to find out. -One good thing about all these "hands free" devices: When I'm in my car talking to myself, I get a lot less strange looks. People just assume I was dumb enough to buy one of those things. -What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
I'm so sick of Luke Russert. All his Twitter posts talk about the Bills, Buffalo, etc. He probably hasn't been to Buffalo in 25 years. One of the coolest things about his father was that he was an original. Dude, create your own identity. -I think it's funny that the CEO at Roswell is named Donald Trump. When he introduces himself to people, I wonder if they laugh out loud or announce that they are Bill Gates. -What's up with Cellino & Barnes new phone #? Everyone in WNY had the old number ingrained in their psyche. When you hear the new radio jingle, it sounds like the lady forgot the real number. What's next? Hurt in a car? Call Dave Smith. -I can't believe how far boxing has fallen. Remember George Foreman at the Olympics waving the tiny American flag? I watched the Olympics religiously for two weeks (I work overnights) and I didn't hear NBC mention the sport once. And I saw motorcross at least three times. -Speaking of the Olympics, did anyone see where Brazil's only goal against Mexico in the soccer final was scored by Hulk? I guess it's better than one of their stars in the 80s/90s, a guy named Caka. Who had the assist, He-Man? -Funny that John Travolta is probably gay, if you believe the twelve masseuses who have come forward and accused him of lewd behavior. Next thing you know, they are going to tell us Horschack was gay. Jeff Conaway must finally feel vindicated. He told anyone who would listen that Travolta hit on him repeatedly while on the set of the movie Grease. Everyone thought he was making it up. -Say what you want about the guy, he's had some iconic roles. Saturday Night Fever, Vinny Barbarino on Welcome Back Kotter, Grease, and Pulp Fiction (which I thought blew). He should even sue Larry the Cable Guy. In the classic Stephen King movie Carrie, Travolta played an evil teenager who slaughtered the pigs that would eventually be dumped on Carrie. When the other guy wouldn't do it, Travolta kept on saying Get er done in an exaggerated Southern accent. Go back and watch the film. Larry totally ripped him off by making a career out of this expression...
-Did you ever shake hands with someone and quickly discover they are missing a finger? Dude, let me know beforehand.
-I think everyone who's ever driven a car has come to a complete stop at a green light, which is 200% better than the alternative.
-80's South Buffalo trivia. Family members are not eligible (because we were just talking about this the other day). Who can tell me what the Silver Dungeon was?
-One time, I was at a small gathering and former Mayor James Griffin was there. We were talking about people who might be good candidates for Councilman. I told him I had heard a particular person was interested. The person was known to be a little different. Griffin's exact words were, "Yeah, I heard that, too. But he's kind of a "foul ball." You got to love when baseball metaphors are used to describe weirdos.
-We were talking about people the other day and my sister casually mentioned her next door neighbor, a guy named Dracula. Several people told him he had the look, so he started dressing up like the mythical creature and scaring kids on Halloween. Now, there's a guy who took the ball and ran with it.
-One thing people cannot stand is when they are reading a newspaper and someone stands behind them and reads it also.
-Among the many annoying parts of Facebook: When the site feels the need to announce to everyone of your friends articles you've recently read. Did any of these brain surgeons ever think of the potentially embarrassing positions they are putting people in? Mark Zuckerberg is the Antichrist.
-Did you see where Pakistani officials sentenced the doctor who gave up Bin Laden to American officials to 33 years in prison? That seems fair.
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
-The worst sitcom gag repeated hundreds of time: the accidental breaking/almost breaking of an expensive antique vase.
-Whenever a church scandal takes place or money is missing, the first person I suspect is the organist.
-Why do people hate it when others read the newspaper they are reading behind their backs? Are they worried the other person is going to get the news first?
-Misguided racist quote of the week from KKK member/Howard Stern regular Daniel J.Carver: "At the rate they're multiplying in this country, someday the Mexicans are going to outnumber the humans."
-I hate it when certain white people use fake accents in the company of black people in some sort of veiled effort at street credibility. Here's an idea crackers: Speak normal.
-Is their a smell more distinct than Murphy's Oil Soap? And did they have some sort of contract with every Catholic School in America?
-As if we needed another reason not to vote for Mitt Romney, he is being supported by Ted Nugent and Kid Rock.
-I don't know what these stupid "Google" glasses are and nor do I want to. Is this what the future is supposed to look like? It's 2012. I should have a robot serving me breakfast in the morning before I get into my flying car.
-Even politicians' dogs drive me nuts. Talk about boring. They have to have to be politically correct, so they give them unoffensive names like Bo (Obama) and Checkers (Nixon). ive met a President willing to have a pitbull as the First Dog.
-I hear the bin Laden family of 14 has been released from prison. What's next? A reality show? Keeping up With the Extremists.
Here's to the people who put all their eggs in one basket...
-As we speak, Tim Kennedy is walking around trying to find his Easter basket. This year, Brian Higgins hid it in a closet behind his trademark suspenders.
-Only two people in history have ever risen from the dead: Jesus Christ and the scientist from Back to the Future.
-The one character from the Bible every political person can relate to is Judas. But unlike the politicians around here, after he betrayed all of his friends, at least he had the decency to hang himself.
-Did the Roman soldier assigned to guarding Jesus' tomb lose his job over the whole fiasco?
-Nobody ever knows the exact date of Easter. The Catholic Church should just officially change it to the 1st Sunday after the Sabres officially get eliminated from the playoffs.
-Do animals celebrate the holidays? And, if so, what do turkeys eat on Thanksgiving?
-If you're smoking crack or crystal meth somewhere, you probably don't care very much about the religious significance of Easter.
-The Knights of Columbus (on South Legion Dr.) conducts the roughest Easter egg hunt in WNY. Every year, after the event, they release an injury report. What's the point of even signing up? Everyone knows the kids whose parents hide the eggs are given inside information. They might as well give them maps on where the golden eggs are hidden.
-I've run out of material and am going back to sleep.
One man caught on a barbed wire fence One man he resist One man washed up on an empty beach One man betrayed with a kiss...
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
-I've worked out a plan with my current employer. Instead of receiving a paycheck, I just have them deposit it directly into Shell Oil's bank account.
-For years, people ate ground beef and never complained. All of a sudden, one guy had an axe to grind with the beef industry and began calling it "pink slime." Now, they can't give the stuff away. What a difference a name can make. Is there anything more disgusting sounding than pink slime?
-Just when you thought Billy Fuccillo could not get any more annoying, he has given us "Abby". I'm sure you've heard the commercials. Where did he find this lady, a truck stop in Macon, Georgia?
-I prefer sleet to hail.
-Did anyone else know an adult that thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut on the way to the Aud through the Perry Projects during the 1980s? The mother of a friend of mine did exactly that on the way to the circus. There were several kids in the middle of the street, not even thinking about getting out of the way. Then, some of the neighbors decided to throw various vegetables at their car for no apparent reason. The circus itself was calm compared to the circus they experienced on the way there.
-I wonder what Puck from the original Real World is doing these days? -Not much thought was given into letting Fonzie become a High School teacher towards the end of the show's run. He was a gang member with a violent past and no known certification, who hung out with most of the students in his spare time. Just the type of guy you'd want working in the schools.
-Nothing is more difficult than trying to explain what Twitter is to someone who is not on it.
-An insider with the Buffalo Public Schools estimates that former Superintendent James Williams stiffed the Emerson (student run) restaurant on Chippewa over $1,500.00. Dr. Williams, I am told, would eat there almost every day without paying. Now, he's sitting on a beach somewhere and could care less about anything going on in Buffalo. Class act.
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
-I think the world would be a better place if more people showed up to work wasted.
-Daylight's Saving Time is weird. I had to work at 7AM which, 24 hours earlier, was 6AM. I was driving to work at 6:30 and saw all these people in front of the neighborhood bar giving each other high fives. I thought: They have a lot of energy for the morning. Then, I realized they were still out from the night before.
-Mighty Taco gives me bad breathe.
-How did we survive the last four/five months with out a Director of Special Projects? Chris Fahey made $88,000.00 per year based on that ridiculously fake title. It's a shame. Had he not run, we may have had so many new special projects for our area. Look for Fahey to walk into another overpaid public sector job. He's a political prostitute. That's what they do. (As soon as we hear what it is, we will pass on the information.)
-In November, I'm still walking around in short sleeves, reluctant to admit the winter is upon us. In March, I usually still wear my coat everywhere. Even when the forecast called for a high of 80 degrees.
-Great quote I heard from an elderly woman at Super Cuts last week: "Make me look pretty, honey because hell doesn't take ugly people and I plan on looking good for heaven."
-FBI profilers always say the serial killing suspect appears to have some sort of police background or military training. Then, they eventually catch the guy and find out he had neither.
-Note to fantasy football guy: Nobody cares about your NCAA "brackets" either, so please keep them to yourself.
-Next winter, after our third day below freezing, old ladies everywhere will be heard saying, "See, now we're going to pay for last winter." This, despite the fact that the two seasons are mutually exclusive.
-A developmentally disabled person asked me the other day if I thought a feminine sounding cashier at the local McDonald's was gay. I responded by saying, "Who knows and who cares?" He persisted, and said the guy seemed to have "a little sugar in his tank." His exact words.
-Hats off to the A district police officer who poured out his underage sister's beer at the St. Patrick's Day Parade. When she got lippy with him, he threatened to put cuffs on her and take her downtown. Not knowing it was his sister, a woman in the crowd complained that he couldn't arrest someone for drinking on St. Patrick's Day. He told her to mind her own business or he would take her in for obstruction.
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
-Either it's 1982 and we're trapped in a time warp or all the Wilson Farms have been taken over by 7-Eleven. That happened quick.
-Remember when the Big Gulp was considered obscenely large? Now, it could pass for a medium drink at Burger King/McDonald's. Man, have we gotten fat. -You know you live in South Buffalo when you hear bottle rockets in March. Just heard one the other night.
-I wonder if Cooter from The Dukes of Hazard was ever tested for venereal disease? You have to live pretty hard to earn a nickname like that.
-Speaking of the Dukes of Hazard, the all time worst snowjob ever was when the producers tried to replace Bo and Luke... with Coy and Vance... After that fiasco, the original Duke brothers probably received 650 million dollars and one of Uncle Jessie's kidneys during their contract negotiation.
-Has a commercial ever been more overplayed than the women with the green bikini? It's on every 45 seconds during the Sabres games.
-I notice bald guys, especially celebrities, find countless reasons to wear hats in public.
-This one's right up there with stepping on a rake and having it come up and hit you in the nuts. Have you ever had your hat fly off your head on a windy day? It happened to me the other day during our 60MPH monsoon. Luckily, I grabbed it before the next big gust. Phew.
-Congratulations to the South Buffalo entitled political class. In the last two weeks, 3,500 people have read this blog, where I exposed your $88,500/yr flunkie. We've talked about how he gets his money from New York City scum, has never applied for a job in his life, and is willing to lie to the same 3,500 people in order to get elected. People all over the neighborhood and beyond are talking about the latest anointing taking place. You guys are really showing me.
Fish from Barney Miller is a guy most people probably think is dead. He played an elderly man in the 1970's for God's sake! It was erroneously reported that he had died in both 1982 and 1987. He was in fact murdered, but that was in the Godfather II. Actor Abe Vigoda is 92 years young.
-Whose idea was it to put cheese on the McDonald's Filet O Fish?
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
-I'm not sure whether it's funny or terrible when I see pedestrians get splashed while walking on the sidewalk. The other day, when we had downpours all morning/afternoon, I witnessed two separate splashing incidents. The puddles were huge and neither incident was intentional. However, when the water flew six feet in the air, the looks on the pedestrians' faces were priceless as they tried to escape. I've been on the receiving end of one of these impromptu baptisms before and I can assure you they're no joke. -You don't see many drunks walking around with flasks anymore. -I'm getting pretty sick of those $1 charity posters they try to sell you at gas stations, drug stores, etc. If you say no, you're cheap. If you say yes, chances are you're helping to pay the overpriced salaries of the organization's executives. If someone's in need of a donation, I'll give it to them personally. I'd like to see stores outlaw this annoying practice. But it is funny when you look on the wall at one of the posters and see that O.J. Simpson has made a donation.
-The next time we have a soccer registration, I'm going to ask people if they'd like to donate $1 to fight some fictitious disease. I'll bet I could easily collect $20.
-I wonder what the political class is going to do to try and censor my writings? You know it's coming soon.
-I like green olives better than black ones, except on Thanksgiving.
-I was subbing the other day and I noticed a 2nd grader named Jesus' was sitting next to a classmate named Moses. I clearly was not working in Williamsville.
-If the student next to them was named Mohammed, I probably would have screamed and ran out of the building.
-I'm thinking about getting one of those seeing eye dogs. They would seem to be a great conversation starter with the chicks. -Someone at work told me about an upcoming seminar called "Climbing the Ladder." It is for people who want to move into management positions. I told her I would rather put the ladder away.
-Was Smokey and the Bandit based on a true story?
Burt Keep your foot hard on the pedal. Son, never mind them brakes. Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make. The boys are thirsty in Atlanta and there's beer in Texarcana. And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes...
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
Some notes collected while wondering whatever happened to Tai Babilonia and Randy Gardner...
-It's amazing how long it sometimes takes to come up with simple ideas. How long did we bang on the glass ketchup bottles and stick knives inside of them before we realized it might be a good idea to turn them upside down? And didn't you think it looked ridiculous the first time you saw an upside down ketchup bottle in a restaurant or on a store shelve? -It's always funny when a male figure skater throws a female figure skater up in the air and drops her. First, there is the psychological pain of training every day for the past 10 years and screwing up. Then, there's the physical reality that you just dropped someone on their head.
-Remember when you knew how much a stamp cost because they didn't raise the postage rate every seven weeks? I couldn't even tell you how much a basic stamp costs these days. However, I do know it's much cheaper to pay my bills online.
-The worst decision of the century goes to whoever decided to give Steve from the Jerry Springer Show his own show. How does one make the transition from security guard to daytime talk show host? -I get sick often. In fact, I only go to church one day a year, on St. Blaise Day, to get my throat blessed. If St. Blaise was around today, he's probably have an endorsement contract with Chloraseptic.
-I'm not a big fan of organized religion, but I do enjoy the church bells that go off every two hours each day somewhere in South Buffalo.
-You're not from South Buffalo unless you've walked home at least once from downtown after a night on Chippewa.
-Everyone knows someone who knows someone who has seen someone walking on the Skyway.
-It's too bad everything has to be leaked weeks in advance these days. Had they not talked about it ad nauseum in the press, the Ferris Bueller commercial during the Super Bowl would have been a classic. Unfortunately, there was no element of surprise.
-If you only watch one football game a year and it's the Super Bowl, please refrain from talking about your "squares" every ten minutes. I mean this when I say, nobody cares.
-Several years ago, my friend was observing a class at South Park High School for his teaching degree. A few of the students recognized him from reffing their summer basketball games. One of the students turned around (with the regular teacher present) and yelled, "Hey Reiss, you crazy son of a bitch! What the hell are you doing here?"
-The guy with the perm jumping on the tightrope during Madonna's half time show will forever be embedded into every nightmare I ever have.
-You don't see many people wedging their cigarette packs between their shirts and shoulder blades these days. Surprising, since this was such a sophisticated look. It said, "I like country music, monster truck shows, and my right to bear arms."
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
Some notes collected while wondering whatever happened to Andy Van Hellemond...
-It's always funny and shocking when you see an old picture of a bald person from when they had hair. -Regardless of which street or direction you are coming from, the intersection of Clinton and Bailey is the worst corner (traffic wise) in the city. There's always someone trying to make a left turn with 42 cars behind them and no hope in sight.
-I kind of miss the old commercials for Syms. How many times did we hear the owner (Sy Syms) say, "Syms. Where an educated consumer is our best customer." ???
-Ralph Macchio was 25 years old during the making of The Karate Kid II. It should have been called The Karate Man.
-Did you ever notice, when a Hollywood star has a drug or alcohol problem, they always get taken to the hospital for exhaustion. But a waitress at your local diner could spend 10 hours on her feet, six days a week and people would laugh at her if she checked in for exhaustion. In reality, who is more likely to be exhausted, someone working their ass off or Demi Moore?
-Whenever a shocking crime takes place, neighbors always say, "stuff like this just doesn't happen on this street." If they dug up people from one of the backyards on my street, I'd probably tell the media, "I'm not shocked. I'm only surprised more things like this don't happen around here in the mothereffin ghetto."
-I used to find it funny when old ladies would call channel 7 to yell at Tom Jolls for not wearing a winter hat during the weather outside. -Western New York usually has severe winters. Colds/flu are often a side effect of this. This is why it surprises me that most restaurants don't serve chicken soup daily around here. I always ask what soups a restaurant is serving and it very rarely is chicken soup. Wouldn't it make sense for every local restaurant to serve it from November until March?
-I'd like to see stink bombs make a comeback. I'm kind of surprised that science hasn't developed one that kids could buy that could stink up an entire city block by now. That's what we really need.It would be great to see these come out of the crowd when one of our local self promoters makes one of their tiresome speeches.
-The most ridiculous thing on earth is when the schools try to teach kids about drugs in health class. Why not just tell the students that drugs are bad for them? They'd always bring in some crazy text book and try to name every nickname of every street drug popular in California. I remember them telling us to stay away from MaryJane, Goofballs, Ludes, Uppers, Downers, Red Devils,and Puff the Magic Dragon (whatever the hell that was). Nobody in our neighborhood was selling or taking any of this stuff. All it did was give us something else to make fun of. "Hey, you guys want to go do some goofballs?"Come on.
-I'd like to give a shout out to one of the blog's first readers, big Stevie Nicks fan Jennifer Schenk-Reiss. See what you started. You had to tell me it was pretty good. Now, 2,000 like-minded crazies read it each week.
And it all comes down to you Well, you know that it does Well, lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice...
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
Some notes collected while wondering what ever happened to Joe Mesi's boxing career?
-When the Bills were 4-1, the announcers couldn't stop talking about how smart the Harvard educated Ryan Fitzpatrick was and how this intelligence transferred over to the football field. Then, all of a sudden, we finish 6-10 and he's no longer smart.
-Bills GM Buddy Nix has announced the recent signing of Michael J. Fox. He will be used primarily as a holder on field goal attempts. -Say a prayer for our guys over there.
-I knew the blog was becoming popular. But even I was surprised to learn that UB was devoting a whole college course to studying the meaning of it next semester.
-The Bills season was so bad. Without looking it up, how many people could name the other two kickers that suited up for Ryan Lindell after he was injured?
-You know someone's annoying when they barely know you, yet refer to you as chief, boss, or papi.
-I don't like spinach.
-I picked up the Ninja to go to Pasquales Restaurant tonight and halfway there, he remarked that he had forgotten his teeth.
-This is a true story. A friend of mine in high school had an interview at our neighborhood McDonalds. Halfway through the interview, the flamboyantly gay manager asked him, if he could be one animal, what animal would he be? How this was relevant to flipping burgers, I will never know. Had it been me, I would have said, "This interview is over" and went straight to Burger King.
-Is there such a thing as a light alley or a low ankle sprain? As in, I suffered a low ankle sprain after I was mugged while walking down a light alley.
-Was that you I saw wearing the Hawaiian shirt, flashing your headlights at passing motorists the other night at South Park Lake?
-Free lunches during the 1980's were generally bad. But whoever created the mystery substance masquerading as peanut butter and jelly sandwiches should be charged with attempted murder. It was like 10 lbs of disgusting tasting toxic sludge combined with who knows what they passed off for jelly.
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
I was dreaming when I wrote these, so sue me if I go too fast...
-Living in the ghetto, I'm too poor to go on a real vacation so I travel through Google Earth. I pick a distant location and use the street level view and drive around town. I've been to London, Paris, and Gary, Indiana already this year.
-I don't really have anything against the Occupy Buffalo group, but I think it would be fun to drive over there at 2AM and throw some M-80s between their tents on behalf of the 1%. -Not trying to be funny. I wish someone would help the poor guy who stands on Ridge and South Park screaming at the top of his lungs. He's probably a veteran and definitely mentally ill. Hopefully, someone is making an effort to get him help.
-Has a full game of Monopoly ever been finished in the history of mankind?
-Was that a transvestite passing out chicken samples at the Walden Galleria Mall food court for about 10 years?
-The Unabomber sent out his first bomb in 1978 to a college professor. Luckily, it turned out to be a dud. Two professors were examining the package with no return address on it. The one guy said, "It's addressed to you. Maybe it's a bomb. Hahahaha." It was.
-I've heard a few female sports play by play announcers and I think they're pretty good. In the 90's, I thought they were horrible, but the ones I hear now are better than most of the guys.
-They say a good blogger is one whose personality comes through in their posts. People read it to find out what they are going to say or do next. I even read my own blog to find out what stupid thing I'm going to do next.
-People like to refer to rare happenings as "miracles" way too often. If it can be explained by science, I hate to tell you, but it's not a miracle. If someone walks on water, or turns water into wine, or the Bills make it to the playoffs. Those are actual miracles.
-We knew it was time for John Madden to retire when he thought the yellow first down line we see on television was actually on the playing field. By the way, how did we watch football for 30 years without the aid of the aforementioned yellow line? -Please tell me it's not true that there is a gated street in North Buffalo? You live in Buffalo, NY, losers. -I'm part Irish. I'm proud of my heritage for sure. But I'd like to see someone unscrew those Irish street names along Abbott Road and throw them into Caz Creek. Dumb idea. -One of the best lines in any songs was the "I want my MTV" line by Sting in the Dire Straits Money For Nothing song. Not only did it sound good, it became a marketing tool for the music network.
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
-Regarding the dispute between Time Warner and MSG and the Buffalo Sabres: I am willing to pay more money each month to whichever provider does not show the games. I'd rather watch reruns of Magnum P.I.than this boring team.
-The Visa commercials of the 1980's really taunted American Express mercilessly.
-One person in media who has absolutely no talent is Adam Corrola. Seriously, if somebody told me they're a fan of his, I'd have to think considerably less of them. He is terrible. I'd love to know who he is related to to have gotten his break in show business. The average person at the corner bar is funnier than and has more of a personality than Corrola.
-When did employees start becoming known as Associates? Who does management think they're fooling? They want the average person to think they have some kind of stake in the company, yet pay them scraps. Employees are not associates. Why don't they just call them slaves or indentured servants? It would be a more accurate description.
-You can always tell how bad Karaoke singers are when the DJ takes a break and plays a real song (with the actual performers). You notice the difference right away and your ears seem to say, "thank you God."
-You can always tell how tough a family is by the number of relatives they have who are missing fingers or limbs. Even tougher are the ones born with too many fingers or limbs.
-I used to think the worst job in the world belonged to Saddam Hussein's body double. He was the guy Saddam's handlers trotted out whenever they thought someone was going to try to assassinate the former Iraqi leader. I recently heard about a US Postal worker whose job it was to examine suspicious packages destined for Pat Robertson. He described holding such a package at arm's length as it blew up in his face. As he suspected, it had been a bomb intended for the controversial minister. If you think you might be holding a bomb, it might be time to look for a new assignment. Could you imagine his supervisor on his first day of work? OK, the guy who held the job before you. His name is Lefty.
I look out my window and see the empty 40 oz beer bottles, hypodermic needles, crack pipes and abandoned shopping carts on my front lawn and begin to think. The end results have become known as my random thoughts from the ghetto...
-I'm kind of surprised the half dollar never caught on. Quarters are extremely popular but how many fifty cent pieces do you carry? -It's always funny when a prospective groom asks the bride's father for permission to marry her. What would he do if the father said no to the request?
-The Pro Bowl in football is one of the least watched events in professional sports. I'm sure someone will call me a racist for saying this, but wouldn't it be funny if they had the white players play against the black players? Although, the white team would have no Cornerbacks or Running Backs, it would at least make the game watchable.
-Whatever happened to Roebuck? He is like the Art Garfunkel of department stores. -Did you hear what led to Elliot Spitzer being caught with the prostitute? He had hired David Patterson to be his lookout.
-One of the most ridiculous things ever invented are polygraph tests. I don't think anyone should ever submit to them. Innocent people have been known to fail them and guilty people sometimes pass them. Despite this, people in law enforcement still talk about them as if they are 100% accurate. You might as well get one of those magic 8-balls and ask it if the suspect is innocent or guilty. -Nothing in the history of mankind has been avoided more than "the plague".
-People who mail pipe bombs to others are quite inconsiderate folks. Has there ever been a female serial mail bomber?
